The purpose of this article is to raise awareness around behaviors that many of us may realize we are guilty of; and yet, these behaviors have become somewhat commonplace and acceptable because ‘everyone is doing it’ or a more frequently heard excuse on the other end of the spectrum is ‘no one does that anymore – so why should I?’  Below is a short list of those improprieties that we all have the opportunity to rein in and change the trajectory of our society.

• Say thank you for any nice gesture that is done for you, to you, or for a cause in which you support. I am continually amazed at how lax we have become to acknowledge niceties. This may be an introduction, a dinner, a donation in your name, letting you go in front of a person standing in line, rearranging a meeting so you can attend, or as simple as responding to an email. I am partial to a verbal thank you, and thoughtful, hand written notes. Yet, when time is short? At least send an email.

• Pay attention. Listen and be respectful to others when they are speaking. Even if you don’t agree with them, being dismissive in gesture or even verbally is not necessary. Stop interrupting. Put down your Blackberry or iPhone. I am appalled at how many will literally check email and/or pick up phone calls without even an ‘excuse me’ while in a meeting, at lunch, or having coffee with another person. Turn off the TV! I am equally appalled at when visiting a sick friend or paying a social visit to someone, they will tell you ‘just a minute, my show is almost over.’ Are you kidding me? When someone has been generous and thoughtful enough to visit, why wouldn’t we meet them graciously and extend hospitality to them? (And yes, the TV incident really did happen to me.)

• Be on time. Being perpetually late, as mentioned in A Fine Line earlier this week, is just plain rude. You wouldn’t be late for the President of the United States or the Queen of England, in all likelihood; so why be late for your friends, your clients, or prospective clients? Plan ahead. If you are going to be late, call far enough in advance so that the other party can respond appropriately.  Calling, once they are there, may ease your conscience, yet it does nothing to help the situation.

• RSVP. When asked to an event RSVP. Don’t no show. Don’t call the day of the event to say ‘you are coming’ when it is a dinner party. Yes, that happened to me when hosting a large dinner party this spring, and I had 22 – yes, 11 couples - call the day of the event to tell me they had ‘decided to come.’ Rude, rude, rude.

• Give positive feedback, compliments, and encouragement freely, sincerely, and often. I have been shocked of late to hear individuals say: “That is just not me. I don’t hand out compliments, even when the person may deserve them” or “It’s their job. I don’t have to tell them they are good at it; it is expected.” That is simply rubbish. There is nothing to lose by telling someone they are doing a nice job, that they look nice, or to keep up the good work.  It creates a positive energy amongst each other. If the feedback is genuine and sincere, it is positive on all fronts. 

• Be nice to wait staff and treat them the way you would want to be treated. Tip generously. I was with an individual not too long ago who was incredibly rude to a waiter. The waiter was not the best I had ever experienced; and yet, there was nothing – nothing – to be gained by being rude, short, and abrupt. When a waiter has done a nice job, what prevents individuals from tipping at least the 15-20%?

Our children and future generations will follow our lead; and at this point, the polite decorum of years past is rapidly disintegrating. I, along with many of my clients and readers, do not want this to happen. Please weigh in on this! Did I forget an impropriety which is your own personal pet peeve? Please share! We can hold ourselves accountable to change the direction of society and reinstate and instill the values of being polite, thoughtful, considerate, and respectful to one another.

With that as the setting, I wonder, when we leaders embark upon a path ‘where no one has gone before,’ what is the ideal way to proceed to best ensure our success?

Come on, let’s be honest, many of us simply ‘follow suit’ as leaders. We may ‘up the current game’ in our company by being competitive in how we ‘play the game;’ yet, how often do we really ’change the game?’ You know what I mean: monumental, often scary, strides in veering off the beaten path and going ‘off radar’  to pursue an aggressive goal. Shareholder pressure, personal and professional fear, recessionary conditions, and a myriad of factors contribute into our conservative approaches. Yet, as leaders in today’s world, it is our job and our responsibility to chart new paths. If we don’t encourage playing dangerously and coloring outside the lines – who will? We must continue to innovate, push, explore, and make it safe for others to do so – otherwise, we will stagnate, avoid risks, become complacent, and ultimately not progress in our roles and contribution to our organizations.

So, let’s break it down. If we truly want to lead, which means stretching, pulling, pushing, and discovering, what are a few things we can consider to improve our success ratio or at least minimize our risk of totally flaming out?

• Know your audience and meet them where they are. Basic 101: we must know who our stakeholders are. Whether we are driving a new compensation plan internally, introducing a new product or service, forging an entirely new channel to market or going after a new donor pool on an entirely different scale. We need to know what they need and want. We need to create a ‘win-win’ scenario and present our approach to them in a manner they will understand.

• Build and nurture a network. Many have heard me speak about the importance of building a network before you need it. As leaders we need to have a support system who will tell us the honest truth (even if what we hear is not what we want to hear), and provide advice and perspective as we move forward. Having peers and colleagues to offer candid feedback throughout our careers, and in this case as we chart new paths, is critical. Instigate these relationships now. Choose individuals who will complement and augment your talents and background. Select resources who will fill the gaps in your capabilities or your visibility within and beyond your organizations. Having additional sets of eyes looking at your approach can reveal the weak links, as well as areas for further exposure.

• Be a three-dimensional chess player. As leaders, we have to think strategically not just tactically. Sure, it is important to know what to do next; yet, it is even more important to have our paths charted 3-4 steps ahead. It is not enough to understand and calculate our movements, we need to consider the other parties moves, as well. If we get stuck, then pursue input from stakeholders, mentors, and colleagues. None of us have all the answers, so we need to be secure enough to ask for help and insight when we need it. One last point, as we develop our critical thinking capability, remember critical thinking is not negative thinking. It is simply our ability to think ‘out-of-the-box’ and to be the devil’s advocate on what may work, and what may not work. When we are pursuing new approaches, we have to think of all the things that could go well, as well as those that may be insurmountable. Then, we discover new chess moves to overcome those obstacles, or maneuver around them.

• Be resilient. In a prior article on Resiliency, we discuss the importance for leaders to be resilient in the face of strong head winds. We all have failed on occasion. How we pick ourselves up from these stumbles is what people remember, not whether we failed or not. Leading through adversity and showing resilient behavior is what inspires our followers.

Taking risks is a critical component of leadership. If we are not stretching beyond our comfort zone, we are not learning. If we are not exposing ourselves to the risk of potential failure, we are equally  not exposing ourselves to the risk of success. Playing it safe breeds complacency. Our competition loves this. Whether our competition is another person vying for the same promotion, another company selling a similar product or service, or a nation vying for a majority share of import/export business  – we will lose by not taking calculated risks.

So, as leaders, we need to take the risk we are more afraid of taking. “Go where no one has gone before.” Our decision will chart our trajectory. Not choosing our ‘Star Trek Moments’ guarantees we will always be the follower, not the lead dog.

And as the old saying goes: “If you aren’t the lead dog, the view never changes.” How true.

My favorite definition, which I have quoted before in my Between the Lines blog series, is this:

“Integrity is standing behind your convictions regardless of the consequences.”

This definition was given to me many years ago over a drink, dinner, and
rich conversation with a friend of mine’s father. Being a successful, humble, west Texas man, it truly was as simple as that. There was no reference to ‘honesty’ or ‘doing what was right.’ That was implied and expected within his reference to his convictions.

He would never be convicted to a position unless it was anchored in those core values.

I continue to learn from this wise interpretation of integrity. This past week, I was challenged with an approach I was using for a proposal which was 100% in service to the client. I was challenged by another party relative to pricing and approach. I stood by my convictions, as I believed (and still do) that it was the best solution, an honest price, and a fair approach for the client. I may or may not ‘win’ this proposal; yet I will continue to stand by my convictions regardless of the consequences. Nope, it is not always easy, and I am appalled I had to explain and defend my position. Nevertheless, I slept well this weekend, regardless of the outcome.

What a journey …

1. Become genuinely interested in other people. Of course, the operative word in this principle is genuinely.

2. Smile.

3. Remember the sweetest sound in any language is a person’s name.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests – not your own.

6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. The operative word in this tip is sincerely.

• The best advice I ever got
  
• Do I have to be liked to be successful
  
• Can culture be a competitive differentiator
  
• Resiliency – the secret ingredient in 2010
  
• Strategic Alignment – the key to reviving the organization
• Authenticity 2.0
  
• Don’t bully accountability – live it
  
• Ethics in action
  
• One of your greatest assets
  
• The power of “and”
  

As you know, 1/11/11 marks the beginning of our exciting Aspire to Fly offerings. This series will introduce you to several new sources of inspiration and insight, as well as continuation of the popular A Fine Line and Between The Lines series. The components of this series include:

• A Fine Line, a daily message and quick “B12 shot”
• Weekly pod-casts to “Get Off the Ground”
• Weekly “Smooth Landing” blogs to inspire and inform
• Monthly Between the Lines™, articles covering relevant topics on business strategy, leadership and team challenges, and other individual and professional development topics
• Quarterly video interviews “From the Cockpit” with subject matter experts on business and industry trends, and all topics relative to alignment within an organization and yourself
• Two webinars with me mapping out a “Flight Plan” discussing relevant business issues, leadership concerns, economic opportunities, and other best practices

As we embark on this new year together, I encourage you to subscribe to this series to continue receiving A Fine Line and Between The Lines, as well as all the other tools mentioned above.

Thank you to each of you for your interest and support and best wishes for a healthy and prosperous new year! We look forward to you joining our “flight crew” as we embark on our 2011 journey together!

Indra Nooyi, Chairman and CEO, Pepsico:

“Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent….when you assume negative intent, you are angry and it shows.”

Chad and Janice, Owners of Parigi Restaurant in Dallas:

“We treat everyone the same – like family. We want people to want to come here not only because of the food; also because they feel good when they are here.”

Sam Palmisano, Chairman and CEO of IBM:

“Don’t view your career as a linear progression. Take horizontal steps, try out situations that are unstructured to learn different ways of working, and get outside the headquarters and experience different cultures.”

Thomas S. Murphy, Former CEO, Capital Cities/ABC:

“Don’t spend your time on things you can’t control. Instead, spend your time thinking about what you can.”

Nelson Peltz, CEO, Trian Fund Management:

“Get sales up and keep expenses down. It is as simple as that.”

Charlene Begley, President and CEO, GE Enterprise Solutions:

“People don’t care about titles. Just value. Spend a ton of time with your customers – especially when you are new to your role – ask tons of questions about everything…competitors, service, price, products…they will give you the reality. Then you can act.”

Rachel Ashwell, CEO of Shappy Chic:

“If you don’t know, say you don’t know. Own it. Then go find out. Period.”

Tina Fey, Actress:

“Pay attention to money. Listen to your business manager and your accountants. Always be the person who can sign your checks – only you.”

Tony Robbins, Performance Coach:

“The selection of your friends and advisors matter more than anything else in your life. You must stand guard at the door of your mind.”

Joe, successful business executive:

“Be real. Keep it real.”

Joanna Shields, President, BEBO.com:

“I go back to the things my dad said: ‘Your career is long, and the business world is small. Always act with integrity. Never take the last dollar off the table.’

In closing, I relate to this comment from Joanna, as seldom have I ever heard wise business advice from anyone, which had previously not been given to me by my mother and father. For these gifts, I will remain eternally grateful. And for my readers, you benefit from their advise every month – as the foundation for my writing is clearly what I learned through life with my parents….thoughts, words, and deeds.

These are just a few of thousands of wise words and stories from individuals who affect our lives – directly or indirectly – every day. I know each of you have many wise words you can share with us. We welcome your comments and ‘wise words’ below!! Remember,  we are all in school and we are each other’s teachers. We look forward to hearing from YOU.

This was the direct quotation inadvertently recorded when Rahm Emmanuel was giving this advice to Congressman Eric Massa. This recorded conversation has had a resurgence of interest and media play given Congressman’s Massa’s embarrassing debacle earlier in this month.

This ‘likability’ advice intrigued me – as for years one topic which often came up during business cocktail hours was ‘would you rather be respected or liked?’ I never really ‘got’ that question – as who says those two traits are mutually exclusive? I want both. And I believe both are possible.

In politics it is clear that likability is a critical success factor. People vote for people they like and for which they have an affinity. Trust, smarts, capability, similar views, experience, proven track record, ability to make the hard calls, visionary capabilities, and leadership are needed and expected, as well; this goes without saying. Yet, the likability factor has been proven time and time again as being a ‘ticket to entry.’

Is it relevant and necessary for other positions, too? In short: of course it is!  Surely, this is not a news flash.

Great communicators and leaders have, or must develop, the “likeability factor.” Their personality and the “chemistry” they create between themselves, their teams, their clients, their partners, and all their constituents can be the secret to their success in being heard, embraced, and being followed with enthusiasm and devotion.

Recently, I was having a conversation with a client and he said: “I am not trying to win a popularity contest. Being liked is not that important to me – I just need to get the job done for my clients.” Again, I ask – are these things mutually exclusive? Why is it so hard for us to embrace this fact?

After all, life is in some ways a series of popularity contests. The choices other people make about us are often direct factors in determining our success, on many, though not all, levels. And decades of research prove that people choose who they like. They vote for them, they buy from them, they marry them, and they spend precious time with them. Consider these studies which I read about in The Likeability Factor: How to Boost Your L-Factor and Achieve Your Life’s Dreams (yes, this is just one of hundreds of books being written on the subject)

• Doctors give more time to patients they like and less to those they don’t. According to a 1984 University of California study: A physician attribution survey was administered to 93 physicians. They also viewed videotapes demonstrating patients with three combinations of likeability and competence. There were significant differences in treatment, depending on the characteristics of the patient
• In his book Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman studied the management habits and business operations of several hundred major companies and found that a positively charged work environment produces superior profits via reduced turnover and increased customer satisfaction.
• A Columbia University study by Melinda Tamkins shows that success in the workplace is guaranteed not by what or whom you know but by your popularity. In her study, Tamkins found that “popular workers were seen as trustworthy, motivated, serious, decisive and hardworking and were recommended for fast-track promotion and generous pay increases. Their less-liked colleagues were perceived as arrogant, conniving and manipulative. Pay rises and promotions were ruled out regardless of their academic background or professional qualifications.”
• A 2000 study by Yale University and the Center for Socialization and Development-Berlin concluded that “people, unlike animals, gain success not by being aggressive but by being nice. The research found that the most successful leaders, from CEOs to PTA presidents, all treated their subordinates with respect and made genuine attempts to be liked. Their approach garnered support and led to greater success.”
• In 1977 author Dulin Kelly wrote in the court preparation trade publication Voir Dire: “One item that keeps reappearing in cases tried or settled, is the likeability factor. If your client is a likeable person, this characteristic will in all likelihood affect the outcome of your case in two ways: First, the jury will want to award compensation to your client, because the jurors like him or her. This may overcome a case of close liability. Second, there is no question that if the jury likes your client the amount of compensation is likely to be higher.”
• In You’ve Got to Be Believed to Be Heard, author Bert Decker points out that George Gallup has conducted a personality factor poll prior to every presidential election since 1960. Only one of three factors of issues, party affiliation, and likeability has been a consistent prognosticator of the final election result: likeability.

Likeability is important. Likeability may well be the deciding factor in every situation you’ll ever enter. So when we are attempting to build rapport, lead teams, build trust, and build overall likability, consider these few simple tips:

• Be real and authentic. No one likes a phony. Let your vulnerabilities show. People relate to other people.
• Be friendly. This sounds so simple, yet many have trouble with this for many reasons: insecurities, fears, defense mechanisms, lack of trust, etc. So, just go for it. Treat others openly and see the best in them. Take the plunge and be nice. Smile sincerely and warmly – that is the magic facial expression.
• Be respectful of others. Be well-intentioned, generous and sincere with your compliments. Be empathetic to other’s feelings, situations, and challenges. Most of the time, a person is thinking about their situation – not ours – so when we show the capacity to think of them first – it is appreciated.
• Stay centered and quietly confident. It takes such a load off when the person we are with is not needy – it puts us at ease, doesn’t it? Don’t we love being around folks who are comfortable in their own skins? And quiet confidence is just plain attractive.
• Finally, just be genuinely interested in others. Not at the veneer level – take a deep, thoughtful interest in them, their thoughts, dreams, ideas, and challenges.  This is authentic, real, and frankly, often a rarity in the fast paced world of business.

So, what is possible when we take these simple steps? Well, we certainly will see and bring out the best in others. And I have learned that when that happens, miracles happen. First, the best will come out in us, too! Sales will go up. Teamwork improves. Change is smoother and well-supported by others. The energy is contagious. We will go the extra mile for our leaders and vice-versa. We want him or her to succeed because we like him or her so much, and vice-versa.

So, the next time someone says: “I don’t have to be liked to be successful. I just need to be respected and deliver the goods. That is what I get paid to do. Being liked is just a side-benefit.”  I suggest we ask one simple question: if there is someone else that can do the job AND be well-liked, for whom would we want to work and who would we want to serve?

As part of this work, we engage in an exercise which explores the challenge of ‘paradox’ when making hard decisions and trying to instill a unified approach within your team and organization. It can often be a difficult concept to grasp. In fact, many organizations, political parties, teams, and individuals choose to believe that you cannot have (or hold) two opposing ideas at the same time.  Often these organizations or their leaders will force a binary decision: yes – no, either – or.  It is my observation that this myopic approach may inhibit and actually retard the resolution of some of our greatest challenges and hurdles within our teams, organizations, and even in our world. And by doing so, this halts finding solutions which can virtually change and innovate the way we approach our various causes whether they be in education or business or charitable work.

What is it that pushes us to think it must be answer “A or B” and not both? (We have all been in discussions where we reach those impasses):

• You can have the product be at that price point OR you can have a high quality product.
• You can have centralized authority and direction OR you can have decentralized entrepreneur-ism.
• You can make the charitable commitment OR you can deplete the reserves for next year’s committee.
• You can have a comfortable retirement OR you can live life each day as if it were your last.
• You can be idealistic OR you can be realistic and pragmatic.
• You can have fiscal conservatism OR you can have liberal humanistic governance.
• You can put children first in the classroom OR you can have the administrative reports in on time.
• You can adapt to ongoing change OR you can provide constancy and stability for your organization.

This is where I draw the line. Who says we can’t embrace BOTH sides of these equations? Can we not find a balance and be in total alignment between the spectrums? Consider these examples:

• We have a clear vision and collective agreement of our goals AND we encourage ongoing innovation and change as the market conditions change.
• We have chosen stable, seasoned leaders within our company AND we encourage entrepreneurial thinking in the ranks to continue pushing for growth and appropriate change.
• We have a lofty futuristic model for our non-profits’ growth AND we pay close attention to the data and our results to drive our decisions around how we deliver against these goals.
• We meet our charitable obligation AND we position next years’ team for success.

I want to offer one simple explanation as to why I believe so many of us opt to use the “OR” approach versus stretching further and entertaining an “AND” approach.

We are afraid. We are afraid we may be compromising one side or the other due to the mercy of the other. We are afraid we will lose the ‘purity’ of choosing one or the other – and thus the ‘power’ of one side. We are afraid we will be settling for a ‘luke warm’ alternative – versus the ‘hot’ OR ‘cold’ choice.  We are afraid we will marginalize our success by trying to hold both polarities as true. We are afraid because ‘it has never been done this way before.’ We are afraid of making a mistake.

Well, I believe the strongest leaders and organizations will be the ones that choose to be brave. They will be the ones that embrace the paradox. Successful leaders and companies are those that absolutely entertain BOTH options when making the hard calls. No, they don’t settle for a weak compromise – they create an entirely new approach all together. They are the ones that say, we can do BOTH and do BOTH well.

• We can embrace BOTH philosophies of centralized vision and direction AND decentralized freedom to execute in the way that is most appropriate for that unit.
• We can embrace BOTH long-term objectives with short term fiscal responsibilities.
• We can provide high quality products AND at the lowest price in the market.

The organizations which choose this approach will stretch, explore, innovate, think outside the box and re-frame the entire situation or paradox in which they find themselves.  They will do the heavy lifting and will be the ones standing at the end of the day.

Scott Fitzgerald was quoted as saying: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time AND still retain the ability to function.”

How wise this is. Imagine how liberating and empowering it can be for a team or an organization to be able to entertain a collective answer; one that embraces both sides of an issue for a win-win resolution. I am convinced that the leaders and organizations who are able to think large and embrace unconventional approaches to their challenges – will be the ones to change the game AND win the game they are playing.

“Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around – nobody big. I mean – except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff – I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be.”

I have to admit, it has been decades since I read The Catcher in the Rye, so when my client called this excerpt to my attention, and then said: ‘this is sorta what you have done for me;’ it got me thinking. Is this what executive coaching really is? Are we just catching people from running off a cliff?

Maybe it feels that way to clients. And yes, I absolutely do believe there are times when we do serve as a ‘catcher;’  if nothing but a catcher of emotions, desires, concerns, dreams, strategies, and objectives in a safe environment. There are many other purposes and benefits to executive coaching, as our world is discovering.

In this blog post, I want to explore what I personally think is one of the most important roles we play as executive coaches – the ‘objective mirror holder.’

Yes, I am one of those believers that all answers are already within you. We are simply clouded by learned behaviors, pressured expectations, golden handcuffs, and ‘should’ and ‘ought to’ records which play over and over in our heads. And from my perspective, this leads to the lack of alignment within an individual, to their job, their company, to their strengths, their values, their real desires … the list is long.

Over the past few years, I have had countless conversations with senior executives around the world and one comment is almost invariably raised: ‘I am (or we are) simply out of ‘alignment.’ This, of course, opens Pandora’s Box as to ‘what exactly is out of alignment?’

There is the rub.

Frankly, I have yet to meet an executive who does not remember what they had dreams to be, become, and contribute. Somewhere, many lost the direct plot and they became immersed in a game of political power, equity plays, penis envy and more. When the financial dependency was no longer even a remote worry they continued to play the game for their self-admitted pride and achievement oriented personality. This opens the opportunity to explore the ‘what if’ discussion.

• What would you do for free?
• What are you passionate about?
• What do you value? Are they the same values as your company and the individuals with whom you work?
• How much money are you trying to make? Why?
• What do you really love to do? Why?
• How can you move in that direction?
• How will you know once you ‘get there’? How will you know you have reached ‘it’?
• If you got ‘it’….what would you have?
• What is really holding you back?

On the other side of the coin, some have achieved their every dream and objective and truly love what they do – the thrill of competition, winning, achieving, recognition, and notoriety. They love building teams, contributing to the GNP, to society, and just doing what they feel they do best. Wow! That is a cool situation!

Point being: often misalignment is not within the individual – they know who they are and what they want! Misalignment may be with the company for which they work. Or it could be the industry in which they are associated. This may come down to value incongruence or passions not in sync (or aligned). When this is the case the coaching digs deeper to ask the questions:

1. Given what you really want to be and do – what keeps you here doing this?
2. What if you were to contribute in the manner in which you love – in an environment which shares similar values and priorities?

Again, those answers are certainly within the individual we are simply asking provocative questions to reveal the answers which lie within.

So, was Holden Caulfield an example of an ‘unlikely coach’ in ‘catching those before they run off the cliff?’ Maybe.  I will have to go read The Catcher in the Rye again. Yet, what I do know is that we in the coaching profession do our best to hold the mirror, ask hard questions, and stimulate thought, self-observation, and action to help our clients stop themselves from running off the cliff.

In homage to J.D.Salinger, who interestingly, if you read his small collection of works closes his own loop many times:

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened. Many, many men have been just as troubled as you are right now. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as some day, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement.”

That is how it is. We listen, learn, reveal, explore, and transform. Individually and collectively – that is evolution and growth.