The purpose of this article is to raise awareness around behaviors that many of us may realize we are guilty of; and yet, these behaviors have become somewhat commonplace and acceptable because ‘everyone is doing it’ or a more frequently heard excuse on the other end of the spectrum is ‘no one does that anymore – so why should I?’  Below is a short list of those improprieties that we all have the opportunity to rein in and change the trajectory of our society.

• Say thank you for any nice gesture that is done for you, to you, or for a cause in which you support. I am continually amazed at how lax we have become to acknowledge niceties. This may be an introduction, a dinner, a donation in your name, letting you go in front of a person standing in line, rearranging a meeting so you can attend, or as simple as responding to an email. I am partial to a verbal thank you, and thoughtful, hand written notes. Yet, when time is short? At least send an email.

• Pay attention. Listen and be respectful to others when they are speaking. Even if you don’t agree with them, being dismissive in gesture or even verbally is not necessary. Stop interrupting. Put down your Blackberry or iPhone. I am appalled at how many will literally check email and/or pick up phone calls without even an ‘excuse me’ while in a meeting, at lunch, or having coffee with another person. Turn off the TV! I am equally appalled at when visiting a sick friend or paying a social visit to someone, they will tell you ‘just a minute, my show is almost over.’ Are you kidding me? When someone has been generous and thoughtful enough to visit, why wouldn’t we meet them graciously and extend hospitality to them? (And yes, the TV incident really did happen to me.)

• Be on time. Being perpetually late, as mentioned in A Fine Line earlier this week, is just plain rude. You wouldn’t be late for the President of the United States or the Queen of England, in all likelihood; so why be late for your friends, your clients, or prospective clients? Plan ahead. If you are going to be late, call far enough in advance so that the other party can respond appropriately.  Calling, once they are there, may ease your conscience, yet it does nothing to help the situation.

• RSVP. When asked to an event RSVP. Don’t no show. Don’t call the day of the event to say ‘you are coming’ when it is a dinner party. Yes, that happened to me when hosting a large dinner party this spring, and I had 22 – yes, 11 couples - call the day of the event to tell me they had ‘decided to come.’ Rude, rude, rude.

• Give positive feedback, compliments, and encouragement freely, sincerely, and often. I have been shocked of late to hear individuals say: “That is just not me. I don’t hand out compliments, even when the person may deserve them” or “It’s their job. I don’t have to tell them they are good at it; it is expected.” That is simply rubbish. There is nothing to lose by telling someone they are doing a nice job, that they look nice, or to keep up the good work.  It creates a positive energy amongst each other. If the feedback is genuine and sincere, it is positive on all fronts. 

• Be nice to wait staff and treat them the way you would want to be treated. Tip generously. I was with an individual not too long ago who was incredibly rude to a waiter. The waiter was not the best I had ever experienced; and yet, there was nothing – nothing – to be gained by being rude, short, and abrupt. When a waiter has done a nice job, what prevents individuals from tipping at least the 15-20%?

Our children and future generations will follow our lead; and at this point, the polite decorum of years past is rapidly disintegrating. I, along with many of my clients and readers, do not want this to happen. Please weigh in on this! Did I forget an impropriety which is your own personal pet peeve? Please share! We can hold ourselves accountable to change the direction of society and reinstate and instill the values of being polite, thoughtful, considerate, and respectful to one another.

First, there are no hard and fast rules. There certainly
are guidelines and clear differences between the two disciplines; yet, the
primary focus is always the client. As a coach and a consultant, it is my job
to respond to the client and offer what will be most beneficial to them. My
responsibility as an ICF (Professional Certified Coach) is to ask permission
before putting on a consultant’s hat, and to certainly draw the distinction
when reverting to a consultant’s approach versus a coach’s approach.With that
said, what are a few of the differences?

Pure consulting offers the following traits: telling and advising on matters for which we are hired, offering subject matter expertise, and helping to solve problems by
offering solutions. Sadly, many consultants try to promote dependency on them
or their firms.

Coaching offers a distinctly different approach. The focus is 100% on the client, promoting
independence and ongoing sustained transformation long after the coach is gone.
Coaches encourage this through probing, asking provocative questions, and
promoting self-awareness and discovery. We believe the answers are within the
individual, so we encourage digging deep to gain clarity, and self-observation
in various situations to uncover what’s working and what’s not working. We try
to draw out ideas, options and possible solutions from the person being coached
so that they can determine how to move forward intentionally toward their
determined goal.

I have observed that my clients often want a blend of
both. Thus, an experienced business
background, strong knowledge in leadership and management, as well as expertise
on research, personality and leadership assessments, behavioral models, and
coaching approaches, are all critical to being an effective coach with many
executives and leaders. Coaching and consulting require different competencies,
and there most definitely is a time and a place for both.

So, what is the point of this article? This article is in direct response to social and
professional conversations over the past several months, as well as questions
many prospective clients have asked. In closing, I will offer a few personal comments and opinions.

• First,
  the primary job of a coach is to create a safe and open environment for
  growth, exploration and self-disclosure to help reveal and encourage the
  best from the client. In addition, in a business environment, executives
  expect relevant content, ideas, thoughts, approaches, and observations.
  Without this, a coach’s value may be questioned.
• In the
  same breath, however, the coaching client must also realize that the real
  heavy lifting resides with them. Just like a baseball or swimming coach,
  the athlete is the one swimming the laps and running the bases. The coach
  supports, encourages, challenges, probes, and holds the athlete
  accountable for forward momentum and growth. The ultimate goal is to help
  the client become transformed in the areas on which they are focused; so
  that once the coach rides off into the sunset they have indeed changed
  their perspective and approach for sustained growth and progress.
• Finally, every coach has
  their own model and approach they use when they work with clients.

For more information on my approach, visit my website. Coaching
and consulting are both valued professions. Just remember, a coaching or a
consulting relationship is a collaboration between individuals. My job, in
whatever role I am asked to play, is to meet the individual, team, or
organization where they are and to respond to their needs. Our responsibility
is to create an environment where the client is supported and safe, yet
challenged to bring out their best.

And, from my perspective, the single most important
cornerstone is that the relationship must never be about us – it is always
about them.

With that as the setting, I wonder, when we leaders embark upon a path ‘where no one has gone before,’ what is the ideal way to proceed to best ensure our success?

Come on, let’s be honest, many of us simply ‘follow suit’ as leaders. We may ‘up the current game’ in our company by being competitive in how we ‘play the game;’ yet, how often do we really ’change the game?’ You know what I mean: monumental, often scary, strides in veering off the beaten path and going ‘off radar’  to pursue an aggressive goal. Shareholder pressure, personal and professional fear, recessionary conditions, and a myriad of factors contribute into our conservative approaches. Yet, as leaders in today’s world, it is our job and our responsibility to chart new paths. If we don’t encourage playing dangerously and coloring outside the lines – who will? We must continue to innovate, push, explore, and make it safe for others to do so – otherwise, we will stagnate, avoid risks, become complacent, and ultimately not progress in our roles and contribution to our organizations.

So, let’s break it down. If we truly want to lead, which means stretching, pulling, pushing, and discovering, what are a few things we can consider to improve our success ratio or at least minimize our risk of totally flaming out?

• Know your audience and meet them where they are. Basic 101: we must know who our stakeholders are. Whether we are driving a new compensation plan internally, introducing a new product or service, forging an entirely new channel to market or going after a new donor pool on an entirely different scale. We need to know what they need and want. We need to create a ‘win-win’ scenario and present our approach to them in a manner they will understand.

• Build and nurture a network. Many have heard me speak about the importance of building a network before you need it. As leaders we need to have a support system who will tell us the honest truth (even if what we hear is not what we want to hear), and provide advice and perspective as we move forward. Having peers and colleagues to offer candid feedback throughout our careers, and in this case as we chart new paths, is critical. Instigate these relationships now. Choose individuals who will complement and augment your talents and background. Select resources who will fill the gaps in your capabilities or your visibility within and beyond your organizations. Having additional sets of eyes looking at your approach can reveal the weak links, as well as areas for further exposure.

• Be a three-dimensional chess player. As leaders, we have to think strategically not just tactically. Sure, it is important to know what to do next; yet, it is even more important to have our paths charted 3-4 steps ahead. It is not enough to understand and calculate our movements, we need to consider the other parties moves, as well. If we get stuck, then pursue input from stakeholders, mentors, and colleagues. None of us have all the answers, so we need to be secure enough to ask for help and insight when we need it. One last point, as we develop our critical thinking capability, remember critical thinking is not negative thinking. It is simply our ability to think ‘out-of-the-box’ and to be the devil’s advocate on what may work, and what may not work. When we are pursuing new approaches, we have to think of all the things that could go well, as well as those that may be insurmountable. Then, we discover new chess moves to overcome those obstacles, or maneuver around them.

• Be resilient. In a prior article on Resiliency, we discuss the importance for leaders to be resilient in the face of strong head winds. We all have failed on occasion. How we pick ourselves up from these stumbles is what people remember, not whether we failed or not. Leading through adversity and showing resilient behavior is what inspires our followers.

Taking risks is a critical component of leadership. If we are not stretching beyond our comfort zone, we are not learning. If we are not exposing ourselves to the risk of potential failure, we are equally  not exposing ourselves to the risk of success. Playing it safe breeds complacency. Our competition loves this. Whether our competition is another person vying for the same promotion, another company selling a similar product or service, or a nation vying for a majority share of import/export business  – we will lose by not taking calculated risks.

So, as leaders, we need to take the risk we are more afraid of taking. “Go where no one has gone before.” Our decision will chart our trajectory. Not choosing our ‘Star Trek Moments’ guarantees we will always be the follower, not the lead dog.

And as the old saying goes: “If you aren’t the lead dog, the view never changes.” How true.

• The best advice I ever got
  
• Do I have to be liked to be successful
  
• Can culture be a competitive differentiator
  
• Resiliency – the secret ingredient in 2010
  
• Strategic Alignment – the key to reviving the organization
• Authenticity 2.0
  
• Don’t bully accountability – live it
  
• Ethics in action
  
• One of your greatest assets
  
• The power of “and”
  

As you know, 1/11/11 marks the beginning of our exciting Aspire to Fly offerings. This series will introduce you to several new sources of inspiration and insight, as well as continuation of the popular A Fine Line and Between The Lines series. The components of this series include:

• A Fine Line, a daily message and quick “B12 shot”
• Weekly pod-casts to “Get Off the Ground”
• Weekly “Smooth Landing” blogs to inspire and inform
• Monthly Between the Lines™, articles covering relevant topics on business strategy, leadership and team challenges, and other individual and professional development topics
• Quarterly video interviews “From the Cockpit” with subject matter experts on business and industry trends, and all topics relative to alignment within an organization and yourself
• Two webinars with me mapping out a “Flight Plan” discussing relevant business issues, leadership concerns, economic opportunities, and other best practices

As we embark on this new year together, I encourage you to subscribe to this series to continue receiving A Fine Line and Between The Lines, as well as all the other tools mentioned above.

Thank you to each of you for your interest and support and best wishes for a healthy and prosperous new year! We look forward to you joining our “flight crew” as we embark on our 2011 journey together!

As true transformational leaders, in order to accomplish our mission, it is critical we spend our time doing the right things. We know this; yet, we often struggle with what is most important, how to prioritize, and how to keep our eye on the ball when distractions arise which they invariably do.

A few thoughts to consider and discipline ourselves around:

1. Manage and filter the interruptions

I recently read an article which touted that we spend only about 10 minutes on a task before we are interrupted by various issues. How can we curb these interruptions? What if we turned off our phones, asked our team to do the same, and instill a mutual respect for ‘sacred time’ to actually get work done? What if we actually say ‘no’ when these distractions arise? I know what you are thinking, how can we say no to our bosses? I am certainly not suggesting that is the standard answer every time; however, there are scenarios in which we must say no. A book I have found especially helpful, The Power of the Positive No, gives excellent tips on how to say ‘yes’ while saying ‘no,’ while preserving a strong relationship with the other party. Check it out.

2. Stop the multi-tasking.

The Center for Brain Health in Dallas, actually states that multi-tasking is one of the worst things we can do to maintain brain health. The sad reality is that the trend for multi-tasking is going up not down. With the increase of PDA’s, email, texting, working mothers, and the quest for ‘work/life balance,’ the quest for balance has lead to just doing more at one time, versus prioritizing and saying ‘no.’ One study has actually stated that our IQ’s can fall as much as 10 points, when we are juggling so many projects. Of course, that leads to ineffective leadership, production, and overall results. We need to make a commitment to stop the multi-tasking. We need to focus. We need to choose one project to work on at a time. Have one centered conversation at a time. Leave our phones in the car or at least turn it off when meeting or visiting with another person. Show them the respect they deserve, and that we would want, if we were in their shoes.

3. Focus and stay disciplined to the chosen priorities.

This is where it gets tough. Everyone is pulling on us to do ‘this, that, or the other’ now!  I get it. What I know for sure is that if we allow everyone else’s priorities to dictate 100% how and when we spend our time, we will never get where we want to go. Period. We have to be ruthlessly determined to focus on what we believe we need to do to achieve our goals. We have to plant our flag as to where we are going, determine our plans and our goals on how we are going to get there, and then, publicly state where and how we are going to spend our time to get there. By stating the ‘what and the how’ of where we are going publicly, it makes it much easier to say ‘no’ when distractions arise.

4. Feng shui your office and your mind.

This is probably the single most effective way to help clarify where to spend your time. Recently, I spent time (yes, the asset in which we are discussing) completely clearing out my office, my outdated files, and my next month and Q4 plans for the remainder of 2010. I found myself struggling to keep up with all the projects I have underway, and my  ’piles’ and ‘folders’ were simply not working for me anymore. I was frustrated, stressed out, and was working every weekend trying to keep up. Sure, we all have our way of organizing, which is up to you. My point is do it. Organizing papers, searching for contacts and not having a clear way to find information can simply exhaust and zap our mojo. Recently, I revisited Stephen Covey’s First Things First to develop a leadership development workshop, and it was a fabulous refresher.

At the end of the day, it takes guts to make the hard calls as to where to spend our time, and when to say ‘no.’ It is all about declaring where we want to go, what are the few key things we must do to get there, and prioritizing how we will get these things done. Then, we must continue to verbalize this to ourselves and our troops to keep us focused, committed and to avoid the distractions which are guaranteed to present themselves.

Indra Nooyi, Chairman and CEO, Pepsico:

“Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent….when you assume negative intent, you are angry and it shows.”

Chad and Janice, Owners of Parigi Restaurant in Dallas:

“We treat everyone the same – like family. We want people to want to come here not only because of the food; also because they feel good when they are here.”

Sam Palmisano, Chairman and CEO of IBM:

“Don’t view your career as a linear progression. Take horizontal steps, try out situations that are unstructured to learn different ways of working, and get outside the headquarters and experience different cultures.”

Thomas S. Murphy, Former CEO, Capital Cities/ABC:

“Don’t spend your time on things you can’t control. Instead, spend your time thinking about what you can.”

Nelson Peltz, CEO, Trian Fund Management:

“Get sales up and keep expenses down. It is as simple as that.”

Charlene Begley, President and CEO, GE Enterprise Solutions:

“People don’t care about titles. Just value. Spend a ton of time with your customers – especially when you are new to your role – ask tons of questions about everything…competitors, service, price, products…they will give you the reality. Then you can act.”

Rachel Ashwell, CEO of Shappy Chic:

“If you don’t know, say you don’t know. Own it. Then go find out. Period.”

Tina Fey, Actress:

“Pay attention to money. Listen to your business manager and your accountants. Always be the person who can sign your checks – only you.”

Tony Robbins, Performance Coach:

“The selection of your friends and advisors matter more than anything else in your life. You must stand guard at the door of your mind.”

Joe, successful business executive:

“Be real. Keep it real.”

Joanna Shields, President, BEBO.com:

“I go back to the things my dad said: ‘Your career is long, and the business world is small. Always act with integrity. Never take the last dollar off the table.’

In closing, I relate to this comment from Joanna, as seldom have I ever heard wise business advice from anyone, which had previously not been given to me by my mother and father. For these gifts, I will remain eternally grateful. And for my readers, you benefit from their advise every month – as the foundation for my writing is clearly what I learned through life with my parents….thoughts, words, and deeds.

These are just a few of thousands of wise words and stories from individuals who affect our lives – directly or indirectly – every day. I know each of you have many wise words you can share with us. We welcome your comments and ‘wise words’ below!! Remember,  we are all in school and we are each other’s teachers. We look forward to hearing from YOU.

The days of plentiful donations for non-profits are gone. Double digit growth, for most companies, is a friend of distant past. Layoffs are a standard practice. They are trying to get more done with less. They are trying to rebuild and revive business using existing resources, which are scarce. Individuals are scared – they have seen what has happened to their peers and they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a paralyzing condition. Many individuals are frankly treading water, keeping their heads down, and hunkering in their fox holes  – scared they will be the next ones to get ‘the boot.’ Many times this paralyzing paradigm is not obvious to the leaders, it is a hidden cancer that is growing wildly – yet is slowly eroding any productivity or remaining passion the collective organization had.  What happens to organizations when this becomes pervasive?

In a nutshell: they implode. Their worst fears become their reality. Believe me; I am seeing it across all industries – schools, healthcare institutions, and businesses. The executive leaders are struggling to keep the energy alive, the focus disciplined, and the passion energized, while facing the harsh realities of their situation. It is hard.

There is no standard answer to remedy this situation. Each organization must handle the challenge of rebuilding and reviving their teams in ways which are most appropriate for their cultures. There are, however, a few basic pillars which I have seen work regardless of the organization. These pillars, augmented by additional leadership coaching, mentoring, and other culture-enhancing strategies will help lay the foundation to weather and rebuild for the future.

1. Create a collective vision and mission. At the end of the day, all organizations are made up of people. These people need and want to tie their work to something bigger than them. They want to be part of making a difference in whatever industry or organization they are a part. It is simply not enough to ‘have a job’ and ‘be grateful to be among those still standing.’ They still want to be part of a team, pulling together toward a common goal. It is as simple as that. Building this vision – collectively, not in isolation is the first step. This is a vision which each person can buy into and get behind – which will lead to increased productivity, optimal use of time and talents,  and retention of strong talent (physically and mentally). It must be real. It must be sincere. Once leaders tap into this power by creating an environment where individuals are valued and have grasped hands with their peers to deliver performance against all odds toward this common vision … the results are staggering.
2. Look the tiger in the eye. No one likes or respects a Pollyanna leader. Employees are smart. They typically ‘get’ when something is wrong before anyone even publically acknowledges it. The most effective leaders tell the truth about the obstacles facing the organization. They own the reality. By doing so, they build trust with their teams, and reinforce that they are in touch with the situation. This is not to say that they are pessimists or naysayers, quite the opposite. They face the facts AND then set a clear direction on how they are going to move forward. As William Bridges has said so aptly in his book, Transitions, it is impossible to move away from the past, until we have a destination of where we are going now. It is the leader’s job to help reinforce that direction through actions, support, and ongoing communication to the troops.
3. Cheerleaders versus bullies. Too often, overzealous or rookie leaders, in the name of pushing change, become drill sergeants in driving that change. In hard times, when the pressure is paramount, they lose perspective. Everything becomes insignificant to ‘driving the change’ through brute force if necessary. Of late, I am seeing this so often – again, in all industries – schools, technology companies, and non-profits. The stakes are high. Jobs are on the line. Results are the metric. So, at all costs, the leaders are pushing for change, with sticks not carrots. From my perspective, this is clearly not the right balanced recipe for success. Sure, we need to hold individuals accountable for delivering results and eliminating the poor or even middle-of-the-road performance. However, this is not done effectively – or with any long-term or sustainable results – through bullying or duress to the team. Read my post from a few weeks ago for a few perspectives on how to effectively build accountability into the organization. This is the time to build hope, reinvigorate collective passion, and have one on one compassionate, authentic conversations with the team. It is the time to build trust, listen to the teams’ concerns, and provide support – even if the leader feels it is ‘beyond the scope of their job.’ That is irrelevant. Unusual challenges require leaders to tailor their behaviors to respond to these needs. Period.

My entire business has been built on the concept of Alignment: the power of the aligned individual, the aligned team, and the aligned organization – around common visions, goals, and collectively aligned efforts.

As leaders, we must realize we need to do just that: we lead the team. We lead through tough times and transitions by supporting that unified vision, listening and investing in the capabilities of our teams, and responding through positive reinforcement to keep the momentum going. The strength and power of effective leadership represented through strategic alignment of our directions, our people, and our processes will deliver sustainable change and results.

Without the ability to hold individuals accountable, a leader’s attempt to drive change and implement strategies can stop dead in their tracks.  We all have experienced this! How many times have we been in meetings where the annual vision and creative planning is just fabulous – and then when it comes time to review our results the following year, our execution just stunk!

We are constantly trying to get the team to deliver. We use all sorts of techniques – all with varying levels of success. We crack the whip, we create incentive compensation plans, and we point fingers and assign blame for the lack of results. Often, we even yell, scream, instill punitive punishment on our team members, and embarrass them publically trying to coerce them to change.  Does this work? Oh, I suppose it may work sometimes for a short period time. Yet, at what cost? Is the change sustainable? What happens to the culture in the team? Does the approach build trust? What traits does it encourage within the team?

This past year, I have witnessed many of these approaches with my executive clients. Without exception,

• They are frustrated with the lack of results.
• They are challenged with the lack of perceived respect they are building within the organization.
• They are concerned for their career trajectory, not to mention their lack of fulfillment and satisfaction in their positions.

So, what is it that drives this approach with executives, when they are smart enough to know this tactic is not working? And, what can they do to change this behavior to drive effective change and systemic accountability?

A few thoughts:

1. Positional authority does not immediately presume the leader embraces accountability. Being the big cheese in an organization means we are expected to lead. We are to lead change. We are to lead collections of individuals toward a common vision and goals. AND, we are to hold ourselves and others accountable. This is a key distinction. Many think that just by being in the seat we are to assume the role of holding others accountable. The buck doesn’t stop there. What I have observed is that many executive leaders presume by their position, their job is to cast aspersions, delegate zealously, and frankly avoid any direct ownership themselves. This is a fatal error for any leader who aspires for excellence.People in leadership roles must hold themselves accountable to the same standards of excellence we expect and drive from our constituents. Whether these be executives in our company, students and teachers in a school, or volunteers on a common project; we must act as we wish them to act.  We must hold ourselves accountable to the results of our own choices AND actions in our organizations. And, by the way, this takes a lot of courage. As leaders, by default we are being watched with a more critical eye. Which means when we stumble, which we undoubtedly will, we must have the courage to admit it, hold ourselves accountable, and fix it.  Humility, courage, and requests for help from our team become our best friends as leaders.
2. “What ” questions drive awareness and change. I read an excellent book by Linda Galindo, The 85% Solution: How Personal Accountability Guarantees Success.  She touts an example of an executive who realized the need to stop pointing fingers and look to himself, first, as the person who was ultimately accountable. He repeatedly would ask himself four specific questions to insure he would ‘own it’ and drive his own self-awareness and drive a change in behavior:
   • What is the problem?
   • What am I doing – or not doing – to contribute to the problem?
   • What will I do differently to help solve the problem?
   • How will I be personally accountable for the result?

   These are powerful questions, which everyone one of us can use and from which we can grow. Look within first.

3. As leaders, we own it. Period. As leaders, the ultimate responsibility is ours. We are to lead. This does not mean mandating change or enforcing punitive enforcement. This means leading. We must acknowledge that we can’t mandate accountability – we need to live and demonstrate it for the entire organization. Not just what we presume to be our ‘to do’ list for our specific job description. No, as leaders, we own it for the entire organization.  We communicate openly with our teams and explain the rational holding each other accountable. We call out – and encourage our team to call out  - when anyone on the team is not holding up their end. We hold ourselves ruthlessly to the standards of excellence we expect from others. If we are not congruent in holding ourselves accountable to the same expectations from our team – we are phony and our perceived leadership strength is hollow.  Positional authority simply falls away in importance. We achieve respected leadership authority by walking the talk and proving through our actions our commitment to being accountable, personally and collectively.

In closing, when we were children growing up, we all at one point or another used expressions such as these: “It’s not my fault. . . They made me do it. . . I forgot.”  As adults, there are common expressions which resemble our childhood excuses: “It’s not my job. . . No one told me. . . It couldn’t be helped.”

Well, as leaders these are just child’s talk. Each person owns their choices, their behaviors, and their actions. We are accountable. And true success, by any metric, begins and ends with personal accountability.

This reality is a tsunami in our culture.

From my experiences, the most disengaged, unhappy, empty, and dissatisfied individuals are those that truly don’t know who they are, and are metaphorically trying to wear clothes that simply don’t fit or are not their style. Subsequently, if they do have a desire to reveal their ‘true selves’ they are paralyzed by fear of what they may mean to their lives to date and changes they may need to make. It seems almost easier to leave well enough alone! This conundrum can be true for CEO’s, business executives, ministers, physicians, teachers … the reality does not pardon any individual caught in the web of masks and images.

Carl Jung believes the first step to becoming fully individuated (his descriptive word for owning your true self) in his book, The Undiscovered Self, is to embrace the whole you, including your shadow, the things that are the ‘dark side’ of you. That means we have to look at the things that don’t always fit nicely into the image we have created for ourselves.  We accept our contradictions, our faults, and our failures. When this is accomplished, it is a liberating experience on many levels. It is as if we are giving ourselves permission to just ‘be’ who we are. Wow isn’t that cool? When we reframe our perceived failures or wrong turns into learning experiences and part of overall journey as determined by our choices; we then embrace all things as part of the overall experience. This can be the first step toward really becoming comfortable in our own skin.

Many of my business clients have asked me for suggestions on how to start moving toward greater alignment and authenticity of ‘who they really are’ and how to integrate this into their lives and careers. There is no magic pill. However, there are baby steps we can take to help gain clarity on who we are and what we really want. A few to consider:

1. Observe when we are really ‘in the zone.’ You know what I mean: when we are fulfilled, happy, and energized. When our heart is singing. We are in the zone and ‘in the flow.’  Pay attention to these moments. They are whispers revealing the ‘real me.’
2. Be alone. There is nothing like quiet time and solitude to shut out the noise of our day to day lives. Often, when we are searching for ‘something to fill a void,’ we surround ourselves with people, things, and activities. We over schedule and over program our lives. This ‘busyness’ clutters the air waves.  Stop. Be at home. Feed the birds. Read a novel. Watch a movie. Be with YOU … just like with others, the more time we spend with ourselves, the better we will get to know ourselves.
3. Stay connected. This may appear contradictory to being alone; yet, it is not. We are all connected. We are all part of the same energy of this world. To really define ourselves and get to know ourselves, we do this in relation to others. As the cliché says: “if you really want to know yourself and all your idiosyncrasies – be in a relationship!” How true this is. So, yes, we need both solitude and community to truly enlarge and embrace our sense of self.
4. Trust your gut and have courage to follow it. Choices are the right and left turns on our lives’ highway. If we truly listen to our ‘gut’ and our intuition they seldom lead us astray. Our challenge is to have the courage to listen to our gut. We often rationalize, justify, and ‘sell’ ourselves on what we think we need to do. Sure, there is a balance – this is called judgment. However, I will offer that in my life every single time I have not listened to my inner voice – my intuition – the decision has been far less than optimal for supporting my true and authentic self.
5. Finally, be willing to play hard and possibly fall hard. Whether this is engaging in a yoga class, a lacrosse match or taking a monthly art class, we need to ‘do stuff’ we really love. This is our essence. We need to go for it with all the gusto we can muster. If we stumble or fall – that’s ok. We are living life without fear of failure. Whew, what a concept.  If only we could truly embrace the cliché:  ‘what would you do if you knew you could not fail’ in every moment of every day.

Many spiritual traditions invite this practice of ‘self study’ and becoming ‘self aware.’ As many of you know, I am a huge believer of this practice. Equally, we need to grasp all the possibility within ourselves, and then act in a disciplined, concentrated and focused way.  Whether we are leaders in our organizations, mothers and fathers raising our children, or simply making our way in the world, as Hawthorne offers: “No one man can, for any considerable time, wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one.”

Once we find ‘the true, one face,’ we reveal and embrace our fullest potential with simply ‘the real me.’ Therein lies the power of the authentic self.